Isn't it funny? . . ..

how lyrics seem to speak to you at just the right time?

Alan Jackson's new song, Sissy's Song. . .within the same week. . . seemed to get to both dad & myself. So i thought i would share the lyrics & a link to see the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPSkdX8EQxE

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me


As a side note, i promise i'll get around to putting up pics of spring break & posting some thoughts. I've been on a posting hiatus i know. time just seems to slip away all too quickly. . .

Snow. . .AGAIN!?

Why do i live in the tundra? whoever's idea it was, 23 years ago, to move here, was not thinking clearly that day. It is totally obvious now. Because it snowed, again, here in windy illinois. Just in time to remind me how excited i will be to be on the sunny florida beaches in 13 days! 13 days! that's less than 2 weeks! WOO HOO!!! I went to target yesterday and bought shorts, cause i'm too fat to fit into any of my ones i currently own, and still have to find a swim suit and sandals and all that fun vacation stuff. Work has totally taken over my life this month. Which is super helpful with this upcoming vacation but is very very tiring. Going from a part-time schedule of less than 30 hours to pretty much anywhere from 45-65 hours is craaaaazzzzy but it's been fun and good for my wallet!

I got denied a job opportunity recently, which i was originally pretty preturbed about. However, after some thought, and wise words from my sister (i think it went something like "well now you can apply for that job at OSF and meet that doctor you've always wanted to marry."), i have decided i'm ok with not getting it. In fact, my boss carrie and i discussed today a potential move. Yeah, i said it, move. There may potentially still be an inventory coordinator position in Dekalb, IL. Sigh. . .I know, both colder & windier than my current location, but the better news is that 6 months tops is all that i would have to spend there. I think it'd be good for me to get out of here for awhile, away from home, meeting new people, perhaps missing out on some of the "drama" that this town can sometimes create even if you have nothing to do with it.

Soooooo other than that nothing new here. jealous of my sister and family who just boarded a plane for escondido, ca. siiiiighhhh. . . to be in san diego. . .oh what a dream! . . . .

Is it spring yet?

February 3rd.
3 months.
that's 90 days.
2160 hours.
129600 minutes.
(i think. haha my math skills are lacking since, well, always)
Whatever the case, a long time, or is it a short time?
Some days it feels like forever ago & others it seems like just yesterday. I've been having lots of crazy dreams lately. Be them about her, or about other random nutty stuff. In my dreams, if she's there it seems so real. if she's not, i wake up because in my dream i'm crying. I had a dream about drapes. haha drapes that mom "rented" and some crazy, mean lady wanted them back. haha drapes. i'll never own any after that dream, better yet "rent" them. I was talking with a friend last night & we were discussing life, well at that moment his life & he was telling me how important his mother is to him. She's his best friend. & much like me would have an incredibly difficult time moving away from her (we were talking about moving to nashville) & then he turns to me and says "Stefanie, I want you to know that it speaks a lot of your character to be where you are. I have no idea where I would be if I was in your shoes." & I guess he's right. But some days I feel like i should be more upset & then there are days i wish i was less upset. oh emotions. . . .quite the rollercoaster.

Onto good things. . .
--I recently went to see M for his second bday! 1-2. Big two. as he would say. or Elmo. I heard a LOT about Elmo. Let's just say, M was not so thrilled to be hitting his Elmo Pinata but Tish enjoyed every second of it.
haha.
--the snow is melting! & it's supposed to be 50 this weekend. thank goodness.
--I'm going on my first spring break, EVER! Panama City Beach WOOO.
--I have an interview thursday at 10am for my dream job here at USC. keep your fingers crossed for me!
--my birthday is coming up! woo!

but on that note, i must go. My boss & i are going to do a mock interview! wheeee!

In exactly one week, two days & 15 hours I will be stepping off a plane in what i hope will be warm & sunny New Mexico! that's right, it's my second annual trip to see M for his birthday & i can't wait. it's been wayyyy too long since i've seen my sister, a long time since i've seen M & an even longer time since i've seen the world's best brother-in-law. Let's just hope that i don't take cold weather that direction with me or else all four of us will be upset!

It didnt even dawn on me I don't think, that my last post was on month of two of mom's passing. it's odd how fast it seems to have gone & how slow all at the same time. I found a song, by a mishap really, that i have since put on my myspace. i don't know why but it was just one of those songs that speaks to you, or well spoke to me & i felt like perhaps i should share it.

If you can't hear the lyrics, they can be found here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/kellyclarkson/sober.html

& should the playlist not work, you can check it out here:
http://searchbeta.playlist.com/tracks#sober%20kelly%20clarkson

It was one of those things i wanted to wait and share but i knew come the time, i'd forget, or by then have something else more important, at least according to me. . . .

The past couple days mom has really been on my mind. The last thing i think of before i fall asleep & the first thing i think of when i wake up. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night because i start dreaming about november 3rd. all the things i wish i had done different & at times the things i wish i hadn't seen. I feel guilty for complaining about her bad attitude & i feel lonely when something happens & she's the first person i want to call. i feel awful for my father, who was already not the happiest person on the face of the earth, as i watch him become more & more of an introvert. I can see that he wants to talk to me, but much like me for him, i want to be strong because i know he needs it. I lost my mother. He lost his best & only friend.

I find it hard because i know soon we're going to go separate ways & i said for years that i could never see myself living away from my parents. But i know there is going to come the day when he finally tells me he is moving back to arkansas & i'm going to have one of the tougher decisions of my life to make, leave all that is familiar to stay with dad, or let him return to his home & continue on with what is mine. . . .

Thanks to my sister, who has a plethora of blogging friends, some of which i'm sure are reading this that i don't even know about, but one in particular whose i follow on a daily, or at least bi-daily basis. If you have never crossed it, i suggest you do(http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/). I don't know that i know many other people who are so eloquent with thier words about something so hard to deal with. She still finds all the best things in life to be thankful for, & much like my sister, is definately someone worth looking up to. As i was watching her video she posted recently, while i don't know her, in the slightest, except for all that she posts, i found myself in tears. How brave of her to be able to hold her tears so as not to upset the three, absolutely beautiful little girls sitting on her bed lookin onto the sweet little angel she held.

It took me back to a moment that i wish i too could've been so brave. I wish i hadn't been asleep. I wish i could've been there, done something more for my own angel. If it's one thing you should never have to do in life, it's watch the last few breaths of someone you love so dearly slip away. it's a moment that will never leave you, no matter what you do to forget it. but it's bittersweet. you wish to forget, but you long to hold on. Sometimes i find myself asking why me? why us? what did we do to deserve this? and now? why am i going to be the one who misses out on having thier mom at thier engagement party? wedding? at the birth of my first child? to see my nephew grow up?

Then i have to stop & realize that i am lucky & was so blessed to have had my mom for as long as i did. I can't imagine what it must be like to never know your real mom, to not have your mom there through those awkward middle school & high school years. To not have her there when you break up with your first boyfriend or when you move in with your first room mate & realize how right your mom really is when you're growing up. I was also very lucky to have become so close with my mom over the past couple years. she really was one of my best friends & i wish i would've told her that.

But, on a happier note & the thing that brought a smile back to my face earlier this evening, my little M. He has been attending little gym & today was the final class & the kids all got medals & got to walk across a little stage. Now being as shy as he can be, i never expected Tish to be able to get a video of this, but the brave little guy did it all on his own & he looked adorable doing it. you can check out her video here: http://www.1sttimemama.blogspot.com/ & don't worry, i already know you're jealous of the best birthday present i ever got, ever.

:0)

goodbye 2008. . . .hello 2009

What a year.

Definately not one of those years that's going to go down in my book as "the greatest year ever," or anything remotely close. Infact, it will probably go down as the year that the most happened, ever.

I remember watching Dawson's Creek years ago on my couch in Bartonville, trying to sympathize with Joey on the loss of her mother to cancer (& at age 13), & I just remember thinking, I have NO idea what i would do without mine. Little did I know that a few short years later I'd be learning what that would be like. It would be easy to say that this is the worst time in one's life to lose thier mother, but the reality is, anytime is the worst time to lose them & it's always going to be an uphill battle figuring out the best way to go on.

But as I'm sure I've said before, no one ever told me life was going to be easy, they just promised me that it'd be worth it.

I'm hoping that 2009 opens doors to the things I was hoping to find last year but had to put behind because of more important matters. I'd like a new job with weekday hours & more money. I'd like to finally get my own place. I'd like to be able to travel, somewhere, anywhere, on some type of vacation. I'd like to meet new people. Find mr. right. Move to Nashville. See a shooting star. Win a million dollars *to pay off student loans & my car*. . . .lots of things I hope to see happen. . .will they all? No. I don't have luck like that. But I'd be happy to settle for a few.

the countdown to my second annual trip to Albuquerque begins: T-minus 19 days. better get to crackin on Matthew's 2nd birthday present!

& you know, snow, in its own right, can be wonderful.

This blogging business is hard to keep up on. No wonder Tish has such a hard time posting on a daily basis (though i know i wouldn't mind seeing a picture or video of the boy every day. . . . )

i was sitting at work today, searching for some stuff to spiffy up my myspace when a song came on that got my attention & almost instantly brought me to tears. it wasn't that it was a sad song, or even that i was feeling sad the moment prior. instead, it was the mannheim steamroller version of silent night. again, not a big deal, but if you know anything about me, you know i have a small distaste (for some unknown reason) against christmas music. especially christmas music that is played in retail locations, however, mannheim steamroller is different. mom's favorite thing to do, besides start playing christmas music the day after thanksgiving, put up the tree way before it needed to be & refuse to hang my favorite stocking that i've had for years, was to drive around & look at christmas lights & decorations, even if we had seen the same house, the same way for the previous 3 years. But we couldn't just drive & look, there had to be music. well since the only other christmas music we could agree on was, a chipmunk christmas, we always settled for one of the many mannheim tapes (yes, they're that old), that we had.

so back to where this began. . . i was sitting at work, looking up stuff on photobucket (if you've never at least searched around on it, i suggest you do) & i just happen to look up & out the window just as this rendition of silent night begins. as crazy as i may seem, it was like mom was trying to say hi to me. so natrually, as i sit at my desk, looking out at the snow falling, thinking of how beautiful it is (yes, tish, at one point today even I thought snow was beautiful), i found myself missing things that i didn't realize were important to me. for example, i never realized that watching snow fall, is important. even if it's only for a moment, it's simple & it's beautiful & it's real. & in a world where everything is always moving, always changing, watching snow fall is like sitting still (especially if there's nothing else going on around you, as was the case at work today) & i think every once & awhile sitting still isn't so bad.

i've also been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a friend. & not just a friend, but a good friend. that friend that you know, no matter what, the time of day, where you are, the circumstances around the situation, that you can call & with little to no questions, will be there to help you out of whatever you found yourself in. it got me to thinking about my friends & the ones that would be there for me at the drop of a hat. i'd like to believe that it is true of many of my closest friends, but you know, you can just never be sure. how do you know which ones will? you can't possibly wait till you're in that situation to find out which one down the "list" will finally be the one to show? you want to know that all of them on that "list" will be there & not expect anything, but your friendship in return. & why does it always seem to be the last person you'd expect & never the first?

i would like to think that when my friends find themselves in situations that they know they can call. always. haha like jimmy. jimmy calls me, even though he doesn't even live within a 20 minute drive of me, to help. often he doesn't even really need help, but the fact that at 4am, when he finds himself walking, or sometimes riding, home by himself, that 8 times out of 10, i'm going to pick up the phone & conversate until he gets in his front door safely. & that if something were to happen on his random walks/rides home, i would be at his parents doorstep asap telling them to "get in the car! we're heading to chicago! here's what happened!. . . " (heaven help me if this should EVER be the case, after 10 years, jimmy is not a friend i can afford to lose), but i am still greatful that he thinks of me (& others as i'm aware). i can think of a number of other friends who i imagine i fall pretty high on thier "list of people to call in case of an emergency." but who would i call? i know what my list would look like (after family is accounted for ofcourse) but would the favor be re-payed? would i suddenly become top priority? . . . interesting thought.

so as i was mentioning about my myspace. . .while these things may be frivolous, i was piddle-farting around looking for icons of things that i like, & i thought i'd test the layout here before throwing them on my myspace. . . .so here it goes, my iconic list of likes:


all things


need i say more?


here's an example.


so obviously i like this too. . .



favorite place to go with my sister


best rice, chicken & cheese burritos.


a place i'd love to visit & potentially move. .



something i own. well the bank owns. . i'm in the process of owning it.


something i wish i owned.


two things that go well together, at least in my opinion




now for things i don't like. . .the list is a lot shorter, as im sure you're greatful.

let me just say, that until you're three or four, this doesnt apply so this image isn't exactly what i meant. . .but i didnt want to have to look at other ones. .
(& if you want the story on why i dont like these, ask me sometime)

because the following look creepy, they feel funny when you eat them & they dont taste the best. .

& i dislike these so much, i had to find a cartoon version cause i couldn't stand to look through the real ones.




so now that i have bored you with my imagery & my bables about snow & that crazy talk about how it's beautiful, i'm off to bed.

December 3rd. . .

1 month.

30 days.

5040 hours.

& more seconds than i care to figure. . .

that's how much time has passed since November 3rd.

It has flown by & inched, it has had rough spots & moments of joy, & it has been the one thing i thought i could never do, live without my mother. . . . as anyone in my shoes knows, there's not exactly a way to describe what you're feeling, or how you deal with it, or how much you miss her. it just is. & you find people still asking the "so how are you doing?" question. . . with your only attempt at response as "ok." or "i'm dealing with it." or as i sometimes say "everyday is something new, but i'm learning." Because really what you want to say is "I WANT MY MOMMY! that would make it better!"

so everyday I think of something that happens that mom would really enjoy. . . & lately there's been a lot. For example, it snowed. Mom, for whatever reason, loved snow (most of the time), if it snows on Christmas, I'll know she had something to do with it. OR the trees that Mrs. Sullivan (the world's best neighbor) raised money to be planted, mom would have loved those. OR the fact that my absolutely adorable & amazingly intelligent nephew can SPELL! I can't even believe it but mom would have been incredibly proud & bragged to everyone she could. She LOVED the Peoria Santa Clause Parade & would be annoyed that she missed it. The Yule Like Peoria, her favorite day after Thanksgiving tradition, which i totally detested, had perfect weather. Christmas music, everywhere. I don't know why but that woman adored holiday sounds, probably because they drove me nuts, but everytime i hear a silly christmas song, she pops up in my head. (plus i hear her saying: Stefanie Marie! it is December 3rd & the Christmas tree is STILL not up!)

The good news is, she's still everywhere, the sad part is, she's intangible. But my family, who is always lookin out for dad & i, and my friends who make every attempt to keep not just me, but my mind going, are continuing to help make life right now a little bit easier & for them, i am greatful :0)

the "kids" table at Thanksgiving.

dads, aunts, uncles, grandparents. . . you know, the "adults."

& last, but certainly not least, the world's best birthday present (EVER) & the best nephew.