In exactly one week, two days & 15 hours I will be stepping off a plane in what i hope will be warm & sunny New Mexico! that's right, it's my second annual trip to see M for his birthday & i can't wait. it's been wayyyy too long since i've seen my sister, a long time since i've seen M & an even longer time since i've seen the world's best brother-in-law. Let's just hope that i don't take cold weather that direction with me or else all four of us will be upset!

It didnt even dawn on me I don't think, that my last post was on month of two of mom's passing. it's odd how fast it seems to have gone & how slow all at the same time. I found a song, by a mishap really, that i have since put on my myspace. i don't know why but it was just one of those songs that speaks to you, or well spoke to me & i felt like perhaps i should share it.

If you can't hear the lyrics, they can be found here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/kellyclarkson/sober.html

& should the playlist not work, you can check it out here:
http://searchbeta.playlist.com/tracks#sober%20kelly%20clarkson

It was one of those things i wanted to wait and share but i knew come the time, i'd forget, or by then have something else more important, at least according to me. . . .

The past couple days mom has really been on my mind. The last thing i think of before i fall asleep & the first thing i think of when i wake up. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night because i start dreaming about november 3rd. all the things i wish i had done different & at times the things i wish i hadn't seen. I feel guilty for complaining about her bad attitude & i feel lonely when something happens & she's the first person i want to call. i feel awful for my father, who was already not the happiest person on the face of the earth, as i watch him become more & more of an introvert. I can see that he wants to talk to me, but much like me for him, i want to be strong because i know he needs it. I lost my mother. He lost his best & only friend.

I find it hard because i know soon we're going to go separate ways & i said for years that i could never see myself living away from my parents. But i know there is going to come the day when he finally tells me he is moving back to arkansas & i'm going to have one of the tougher decisions of my life to make, leave all that is familiar to stay with dad, or let him return to his home & continue on with what is mine. . . .

Thanks to my sister, who has a plethora of blogging friends, some of which i'm sure are reading this that i don't even know about, but one in particular whose i follow on a daily, or at least bi-daily basis. If you have never crossed it, i suggest you do(http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/). I don't know that i know many other people who are so eloquent with thier words about something so hard to deal with. She still finds all the best things in life to be thankful for, & much like my sister, is definately someone worth looking up to. As i was watching her video she posted recently, while i don't know her, in the slightest, except for all that she posts, i found myself in tears. How brave of her to be able to hold her tears so as not to upset the three, absolutely beautiful little girls sitting on her bed lookin onto the sweet little angel she held.

It took me back to a moment that i wish i too could've been so brave. I wish i hadn't been asleep. I wish i could've been there, done something more for my own angel. If it's one thing you should never have to do in life, it's watch the last few breaths of someone you love so dearly slip away. it's a moment that will never leave you, no matter what you do to forget it. but it's bittersweet. you wish to forget, but you long to hold on. Sometimes i find myself asking why me? why us? what did we do to deserve this? and now? why am i going to be the one who misses out on having thier mom at thier engagement party? wedding? at the birth of my first child? to see my nephew grow up?

Then i have to stop & realize that i am lucky & was so blessed to have had my mom for as long as i did. I can't imagine what it must be like to never know your real mom, to not have your mom there through those awkward middle school & high school years. To not have her there when you break up with your first boyfriend or when you move in with your first room mate & realize how right your mom really is when you're growing up. I was also very lucky to have become so close with my mom over the past couple years. she really was one of my best friends & i wish i would've told her that.

But, on a happier note & the thing that brought a smile back to my face earlier this evening, my little M. He has been attending little gym & today was the final class & the kids all got medals & got to walk across a little stage. Now being as shy as he can be, i never expected Tish to be able to get a video of this, but the brave little guy did it all on his own & he looked adorable doing it. you can check out her video here: http://www.1sttimemama.blogspot.com/ & don't worry, i already know you're jealous of the best birthday present i ever got, ever.

:0)